I recently posted about a significant milestone in my son, Kai’s life. While I was very proud of him for achieving it, it also drove home to me the point that the worksheets coming home from school with him were developmentally inappropriate. I had been feeling a growing sense of unease about several things happening at school and knew I had to speak up. If you missed the post, follow the link and you can get caught up.
I called and scheduled an appointment at Kai’s school. The Instructional Specialist is also the principal of the building (we live in the country, this is unusual). I decided that we would meet with her and if we needed to schedule an IEP meeting after, we would. You don’t have to gather the whole group at first. In fact, sometimes it is faster and easier to get things changed if you don’t.
It is important, whenever you go into a meeting to talk about your child that you are prepared. You want the best outcome. It is not dissimilar to a meeting in the corporate world. If you are a young parent or someone just getting started in the workforce, it is likely that you are not familiar with what that preparation could entail. So, for the youngsters, newbies and anyone else who finds this useful, I have made you a preparation list.
How to Prepare for a School Meeting for Your Special Needs Child When You Are the Initiator
- Know what issues you want to discuss. This may or may not be a short list. In this case, ours was long. We probably covered 15-20 different issues in our son’s meeting.
- Write it all down. Type it up if you prefer. This document is for you, not to be shared or “handed in.” It is so that you can refer to your notes and make sure that you have covered everything. You can also write all over it and cross things off as you go.
- Think of how you envision the issues could be solved. Have suggestions of what could be changed. My husband and I thought that the daily report that came home with our son was very uninformative. We knew what we wanted to hear about daily. So, instead of having them try to guess at what we wanted instead and having to come up with a new form, I designed my own form. It had all of the questions and prompts on it that I wanted the teaching team to fill in daily so that I could know what the heck was going on. If you missed the post where I showed the report I made, you can check it out here:
Not so great with computer design? Search for daily school report forms on Pinterest and Google. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Or, just give them a list of what you want to know and let them take care of it.
- Plan to be flexible. The people you meet with may have other, better ideas. They do, after all, do this for a living. Be open. Honestly, there are a million ways to do it right when it comes to education. Just listen to your gut. If you feel heard and understood, there’s no shame in trying it their way.
- Offer to help. The teacher stopped doing playdough with my son because he was eating it. I want him to do playdough. So I asked if it was OK to send in a batch of homemade play dough for the classroom. It is edible. They were thrilled. Problem solved. Yes, I could have just given them the recipe, but I know they have a lot on their plates. Also, remember, you will be known as the caring parent who sent in the play dough for the class and this goes a long way in the future when you want something. All that for about $2.50 and twenty minutes of effort. Play dough may have nothing to do with what you are doing, but if you want the recipe, check out my blog post about edible manipulatives and get it, here:
- When you open your meeting, open with something good. Say something like, “Before we start, we just want you to know how happy we are that (Insert your child’s name here) is here at this school. We feel that the staff is so loving toward him and we are just so grateful for that.” If this is not true for you DON’T SAY IT. Say something good and true. Nervous? Can’t remember stuff? Write it down at the top of your page of notes. This is not a stage performance, it doesn’t have to be memorized.
- Believe that everyone involved wants a good outcome. I taught for fifteen years in general education and, after, became certified in special education. I am the parent of five kids (stepkids and birthkids). I have sat through thousands of meetings in the school setting on both sides of the table. Never, ever, have I met a teaching professional that doesn’t want the best outcome for the child. You may not agree on what that is, but you all want a good outcome.
- Do not be afraid to show emotion. I have talked to so many people who have said that they are afraid that they will cry in a school meeting. Again, having sat countless times on the teacher side of the table, I can assure you that NO ONE will look down on you if you cry. They have plenty of tissues. And usually, chocolate. From the school side of the table, if you show emotion, it means you care. They love that you care. It’s ok.
- Close the meeting with something good as well. Compliment them on an achievement of your child’s that you know they had a hand in. Mine was, “I just want you to know that Kai has gotten to the point where he can brush his teeth while standing up at the sink. He still needs some help but he is calm and participates. We used to have to pin him on the bed and force tooth brushing and now the process is so much easier! It’s becasue of you guys. Thank you so much for all of that hard work.” Remember, only say it if it’s true! (By the way, opening and closing with something good and putting the parts that need work in the middle is a communication tool called the sandwich technique. The bread is the good, the meat is the not so good and the other bread is the good. When you open and close with good, that is what they remember. This works in a myriad of situations. Try it!)
- After the meeting, follow up. Send a note or a text or an email and tell them how glad you were that you all met. If you committed to sending something to school, let them know what action you have taken to make it happen. Keep the lines of communication open. Make them feel appreciated. That goes a long way.
As I mentioned above, the person we met with, D, was the Instructional Specialist but she is also the principal of Kai’s building. My husband and I met with her for a whole hour. When I told her the story of Kai meeting Piaget’s milestone of object permanence, she was grinning from ear to ear with pride for Kai. Then I asked her my big question. Why in the world should he be doing abstract concept work like a worksheet when he just achieved concrete object permanence? She looked me directly in the eye and said, “He shouldn’t.” Very calm. I wasn’t attacking, I was asking. She wasn’t offended, she was answering. I was upset prior to the meeting because I saw what should have been seen by the teacher and should never have been used as an educational tool for him at this stage. I calmly addressed it, with research to back myself up, and got what I needed. She and I discussed alternative options to teach Kai what he needs to learn and she wrote everything down. She started implementing the very same day.
I want you, as special needs parents and caregivers, to know that you can do this!
Know that you don’t always get the outcome that you want. If you are unable to resolve the situation to your satisfaction and get what you need, take the next step. Ask the person who you are meeting with what that step is. Say something like, “I am not feeling satisfied with the outcome of our meeting. I see that we don’t agree on the steps to take to resolve the issues that I have brought up. Since we don’t agree on how to proceed, what is the next step?” You ABSOLUTELY CAN say that. They should be able to tell you what that next step is. If they can’t or won’t give you this information, ask to speak with an administrator. Explain the situation to them. Ask them what the next step is. If they don’t know, they know how to find out.
Kai was using hands on manipulatives today. He was not doing worksheets. I know this because the new daily report I created told me so. It was in his folder when he came home.
This is science, but it’s not rocket science. You can do this. Advocate for your child at school.
You’ve got this.
What steps have you taken in the past to make changes to your child’s education or therapy process? Please share in the comments below.