My son is getting stronger.
I had my son, who has special needs, late in life. I was 38 when he was born. In about six weeks he will be seven years old. I am now 45.
In my twenties I had more energy than I knew what to do with. In my thirties I was a little calmer, but still wanted to go out and do things. Now, in my mid forties, I have been on a crazy sleep schedule for years. My neurotypical daughter, almost 9 years old, didn’t sleep through the night until she was five years old. My son often sleeps through the night now, but we are off schedule on school break and as I write this it is 3:26 am. We have been up since 2:11. I have also gone through the loss of my mother since my children were born. And my husband has a long term illness that he is still recovering from. So, suffice to say, my health and wellness has not been a main focus for a long time. And, I have discovered that being in your forties is a whole different experience than the twenties and thirties.
My body is more sensitive to disruption. I have developed fibromyalgia. Getting snatches of sleep that equal eight hours doesn’t work for me. I am almost always tired.
In contrast to this, my son is growing. He is getting taller and heavier. He is stronger than ever. And I am starting to get hurt.
Ultimately, this is a game that I will lose. He will always be younger than me. He is projected to grow to the incredible height of 6’6. And, right now, he often communicates by tugging at my body. He pulls me.
My son is not trying to hurt me. He is trying to communicate.
At first, when I realized that it was going to become progressively more painful, I was reactive. I became incredibly worried. There was no way that I could keep up with him physically over time. Then I became proactive. Because I could see what was coming and it was going to be painful if I didn’t put some things in place to change it.
It is said that you must fill your own cup first. That the overflow is what goes to those around you. That if you take care of yourself first, you will be able to care for others better. I have been operating on the fact that being a special needs mommy means he comes first, always. I can see over time that this will backfire. So I am in the process of fixing it. I have realized that by taking care of myself first, I am actually still putting him first. He needs a strong, healthy mama.
Look, aging is not a choice. But self care is. You know how there can be two 75 year old people and one looks 50 and the other looks 100? A lot of that (not all, of course) can be attributed to self care.
I am approaching this problem from two different directions. You can do this, too.
First…
Wherever you are on your special needs journey, but ESPECIALLY if you are stuggling physically to keep up, stop and examine if you are taking care of your health. Check in with yourself.
Are you eating well?
Are you eating regular meals? Are you gulping and not chewing? When was the last time you ate something that grew that way? Like a potato instead of a processed chip?
Are you drinking enough water?
Coffee and energy drinks don’t count as water. They can actually dehydrate you. Pay attention to your water intake. It makes a huge difference in how your body functions.
Are you exercising?
No, chasing down your child for a diaper change doesn’t count. When was the last time you worked out? Or went for a walk? Yoga?
Are you doing some sort of strength training?
My son is getting bigger. It is getting tougher to physically do what I need to do, dressing him, changing diapers, helping him in and out of cars, etc. Is it getting harder for you? Strength train. Please start slowly and ask an expert for help if you don’t know how to do this. The last thing you need is to get hurt when you are caring for someone with special needs.
How is your mental health? Do you need extra support?
Exhausted? You are more vulnerable to depression. Anxious? What special needs parent isn’t? Seek out support. Parent support groups, therapy, whatever you need. Don’t know where to begin? Ask the school for referrals. Don’t worry about it being seen as a parenting weakness. They will admire you for having the strength to ask for help. Can’t leave the house for therapy and care for your child? You could even do it over the phone while your child watches the same 10 second clip of Dora the Explorer over and over. That’s not optimal but it sure beats nothing.
Second…
In addition to this introspection, examine what you can put into place with your child, NOW, to ward off being injured later when your child communicates by manipulating your body. Or, whatever they are doing that is starting to hurt. For example, my son likes to come up to me when I am sitting in my recliner to get me when he wants milk. He will reach out, take my hand and tug on it. It was completely adorable when he was two but now that he is almost seven, sometimes he twists my fingers really hard. Add in my fibromyalgia and it’s a recipe for pain. For the last several months, as my son is just becoming verbal, I have been modeling the words, “Come with me.” When he pulls on my hand, I take it back, look him in the eyes and do nothing. He tries to tug again. I wait him out. He tries to figure out why I am not moving. Then, as if I just figured out what he meant, I will ask him, “Do you want Come With Me?” He usually says, “Yeah.” “Oh,” I say, “You want come with me!” I say this in a sing song voice. This morning, he came up to me and said, “With me.” Without tugging. This is not an overnight event. We have been working on this for months. But, if I don’t put the time in now, when he is 14 and 20 and beyond, can you imagine what my potentially 6’6 son could do to my hand?
This may not work for your child. If they are not verbal, you can do this with PECS (picture exchange communication system). Have pictures available for your child to point to and practice using them. Ask for help to implement this from the speech therapist if you need to. You can also consult a behavior specialist for suggestions on what to replace behaviors with that have the potential to hurt others down the road.
Your issue could be completely different. But whatever the issue, the steps to solving it are the same. Try this out:
- Identify the problem.
- Imagine where it could lead to if it continues without intervention.
- Imagine how you would like the situation to change. What would you like it to look and feel like when it is solved?
- Come up with solutions.
- Ask for help if you need it. You may need help creating the solutions or just implementing them.
- Implement the solutions. Adjust as needed. If they don’t work, try something else.
- This is key. PERSIST. Your first 2 or 5 or 20 solutions may not work but SOMETHING WILL.
It sounds simple when broken down into steps and these steps will help you focus. But, as you already know from living the special needs life, nothing is as simple as it appears. It is OK. It may take a while (months or even years) to solve, but you can do this.
If you see something coming down the road that has problem potential, be proactive now. Don’t wait until you get hurt. Use your resources to solve the problem.
And take care of yourself. YOU are the world to your child. Take care of your child’s world.