Today I Lost the Special Needs Parenting Game

Today I made a mistake. Nothing Earth shattering. But, from the hour long screams and endless crying, it was Earth shattering for my son.

He’s been in the house on his tablet for a couple of days on break. When we moved, our trampoline never got set up. He used to love to go outside and jump. I thought it would help him get some energy out. So my husband called the son-in-law. Sure, he said, come on over. Use our trampoline. We got dressed, turned off the tablet and got in the van.

My son, who’s 6, likes being in the van. He has autism, PVL, Duplicate Chromosome 16, SPD and more. He is low functioning and almost completely non-verbal, although that is starting to change. He babbled contentedly to himself as we drove the five miles to our daughter’s house. Our grandson, ten weeks older than our son, was ready to play and so was our neurotypical daughter, age 8.

We got out of the van. The trampoline is in the front yard. We went right over to it as my daughter went inside to get the grandson. I didn’t think about it. We went to their house to play on the trampoline. So we went directly to the trampoline.

I took off his shoes and helped him inside. It’s been months since he’s jumped and he seemed a little uncertain but then remembered and started to jump and laugh. Then my grandson got in. He started jumping too. He wasn’t near my son. He wasn’t jumping wildly. He was just jumping. Trigger meltdown.

My daughter got in. She tried to soothe him. Nope.

My son climbed out into my arms. He got down and went up the steps to the house. I thought he was trying to find his Daddy who had gone in. He was walking through the house and I called to his Dad, to alert him that our son was in there.

He came out, crying harder. I thought, maybe he wants me in the trampoline with him. I climbed in with him. He was bawling. I sang several songs and the other two chimed in. His distress lessened somewhat. But he was still crying.

Finally, after having been there only twenty minutes, my son was absolutely inconsolable. Daddy and I helped him out of the trampoline. We offered his tablet outside. He took it but still bawled. So we put on shoes and left. I never went into the house.

My son cried his eyes out on the way to the van. He screamed while being buckled in. He kept going on the five miles back home. I tried turning on music which seemed to make it worse (sometimes it helps) and turned it back off.

When we pulled into our driveway, he was still going strong. I helped him out of the van and carried him to the door. He is getting heavy and it’s not easy. When we got into the living room at home, he was unable to stop. He literally melted down to the floor and rolled around, crying hysterically. I removed his shoes while he rolled and got him out of his clothes, ducking as to not get hit in the process. My daughter, who was pulled away from her playdate, wanted my attention but I just couldn’t give it to her and deal with this as well. I redirected her to her Daddy. I led him, red faced, making sounds, heaving breath into our bedroom, where I put him in cozy pajamas, applied lavendar oil to the bottoms of his big toes and feet, his spine and his wrists. I put him into his bed, wrapped his blanket around him and snuggled it up to the front of his neck the way he likes. I handed him a toy laptop that he has played with on and off his whole life. Then I turned off the light. I laid down on my own bed, turned on my book light and e-reader and waited it out.

All told, from start to finish, maybe the meltdown lasted an hour to an hour and a half. I realize that this could be viewed as a blessing, as some children go for hours on end. It is exhausting for the whole family, but especially for my son. I feel so badly for him. It just can’t feel good to go through that.

The entire time, my husband and I tried to figure out what the trigger was. If we know, we can remember to avoid the trigger next time.

This is what we think happened. When we go to our daughter’s house, every time, our son gets out of the van, takes my hand and walks up the front steps to the house. He goes inside, walks around a little and looks at everything, then comes to get his tablet. He has free run of the house. Sometimes he sits in the living room on the couch. Sometimes he stretches out on the coffee table. Often, he goes into one of the bedrooms and closes the door to be alone.

Bingo. We didn’t do what we do. We varied it. Suddenly, the routine was broken.

My son couldn’t handle the change. It overwhelmed him. It was a complete and utter meltdown as he tried to figure out this HUGE change. THIS IS NOT WHAT WE DO.

I blew it. What I should have done was bring him into the house. Get him set up for a while. Let him relax. And then, offered him a trip out to the trampoline.

Next time, I will.

Today, I made a mistake. I am exhausted. And I feel badly, because had I made different choices, my son may not have had to go through that. But you can’t win every time. Today, I lost the special needs parenting game.  Some days you win.  Some days you break even.  And some days you lose.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Have you ever made a mistake that caused an epic meltdown? How did you change it the next time? Please describe in the comments below.

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