Last night something happened that made me so angry, I could feel my blood pressure rise. I could feel my face turn red. Like a cartoon character, the red started at the bottom of my head and the more I thought about it, the more it raised up until it reached the top. I could envision my entire head being bright red, shaking and about to burst. Why was I so angry? A relative suggested that I hit my special needs son.
Now, we are not talking about beating him. We are talking about what was called, “stronger discipline.” Spanking. That’ll teach him. Because since I hadn’t “nipped the situation in the bud,” before now and I had “let the situation go on too long,” I needed to “reign it in.” What had we not achieved? Potty training. My son is six. He is still in diapers. Not only was it my fault, but we should hit him. To get him to take potty training seriously.
I was so upset that I sat down and wrote an article about it. It was really more of a rant. I was going to post it to the blog today. Then I cried for a while. My amazing 8 year old neurotypical daughter comforted me. She told me I was the best mommy (I love that girl so much). I then went to bed. But I had a hard night. My son decided that he was done sleeping at 1:30AM and he decided that I was too. No amount of coaxing could change his mind, so I got up at 1:30 for the day. We had MANY hours of quiet time with computers until the alarm went off at 5:45 and we officially started the day. Which consisted of me getting everyone ready and off to where they needed to go and then going back to bed for a couple of hours. But I had promised myself that I would start taking better care of me. So after the “nap,” I worked out for 45 minutes. I burned off some of the anger. My head is a little clearer.
This is what I’ve come up with. THANK GOD THAT MY SON WAS GIVEN TO ME, MY HUSBAND AND OUR AMAZING NUCLEAR FAMILY. I am so thankful that he is ours and we are his. Can you imagine trying to teach a low functioning special needs child to use the potty by spanking?
There are people that believe in spanking as a discipline method. I don’t want to debate this here, I’m just saying, some people do it. The context is usually not following directions, non-compliance or maybe defiance. I have a child that doesn’t understand the concept of what the potty is used for, doesn’t understand reward systems like sticker charts, toys, etc., won’t sit through a book about potty training, and doesn’t view any kind of candy or other food as a reward. He is not interested in aiming for the Cheerios. He might even reach in to eat them. I have limited potty training options. So, if he doesn’t understand any of that, if I hit him, is the information suddenly going to make sense to him? Is he going to think, oh, you hit me, so that means the poop goes in the potty? I can’t imagine him making that connection. I want to call this idea stupid but what it really is is ignorant. Inexperienced. Violent. And, it might even create an AVERSION to using the potty, something we want to avoid at all costs.
Do I have the solution? Heck, no. Is he still in diapers? He sure is.
So why am I so angry?
It makes me feel alone. It makes me feel misunderstood. It makes me feel that my son is misunderstood. It makes me feel like I need to protect my child from all the people in the world that think a good smack is going to not only fix it, but fix him. Like he is broken. Like he is made of spare parts.
But, when I took the time to get some rest and exercise and process a bit, I realized something big. It was something I already knew but the concept was brought home to me in a huge way. My son is exactly where he is supposed to be. He will get thoughtful, loving care every single day of his life. And I am so, incredibly thankful for that. When I imagine him being raised by someone who would spank him for not using the potty, I want to cry. I am so thankful that he is mine and I am his.
I am choosing to refocus my energy on this. What are you choosing to focus your energy on?
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