I have been exhausted for months. My son who has special needs sometimes sleeps through the night and sometimes doesn’t. But I have not been able to recover from a less than restful night like I used to. I chalked it up to home schooling the kids for fifteen months during the pandemic since my husband is fragile. I blamed getting older for not springing back. I thought I just needed a break. But when I would get a full night’s rest I would wake up, do stuff for 2-4 hours and then crash out on the couch. Hard.
It has been difficult for my family. It is difficult for my son, who needs attention periodically throughout the day. My husband hasn’t been able to get anything done. My daughter has been wondering if her mom is sick.
Truthfully, I have been wondering the same thing. Am I sick? But, too tired to pursue answers, I did nothing, hoping that THIS TIME, this nap would give me some relief.
I know that neglecting self care is the exact opposite of what I and my family need. But sometimes it all just seems to be too much.
My husband finally convinced me/forced me/pushed me to make a doctor’s appointment.
I knew the doctor would want to do blood work and I know that you have to fast for 12 hours to do it. But I am so wiped out, I also knew that without coffee, I wouldn’t be able to explain all of the issues I was having and get them across in a clear manner. So I DRANK THE COFFEE, and decided to do the blood work the next day when all I would have to do is show up and not have to clearly explain anything. I also MADE A LIST because so much was going on, I knew that I would never be able to remember it without something to refer to.
I got some test results back today. I am extremely low in Vitamin D and B12, both of which can cause fatigue, brain fog and more. Shots, supplements, getting more sunlight and a few diet changes are in my immediate future. So glad this is all it is. It could have been much worse.
But I also know that I didn’t have to suffer this long, that being proactive with my health would have resolved this sooner. I could have been better (or at least improved) long ago. I dropped the ball when it came to my self care.
It’s OK. I picked it back up again.
I know that it is counterintuitive to put yourself first when you are a special needs caregiver. It seems that the obvious answer should be that they come first and you come last. But it isn’t true. YOU NEED TO COME FIRST. So that you can be strong, healthy and awake for as long as possible. For them.
I know this. But I didn’t do it. So it has been more painful than it had to be.
Do yourself a favor. Address things as they come and DON’T PUT IT OFF.
Wishing you so much joy.
I plan to be awake soon.
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