I’ve been having a hard time. I am a special needs Mom and someone has been overstepping their bounds, being a bully, stressing me out. I have been trying to deal with it the best I can but it has seriously put a damper on my energy and my mood. So it also affects parenting my child with special needs (and, of course, my typical child). And my husband. And our lives together which are currently 24 hours a day as we quarantine ourselves for going on 7 months with no respite, as we are a fragile family.
In the usual world (before pandemic), being a special needs parent has often been stressful, even if it is the best job in the world (and it is). In the current world (during pandemic and long term quarantine), the stress levels have skyrocketed. My free time is non-existent and even when not directly caregiving, my husband and I are “on call,” every single minute. There is no couple time. When our son gets up for the day at 3 AM and he doesn’t go to school, there is no recovery time for us. So what am I currently shorter on than even usual? Energy, alertness, patience, the ability to be resilient, the ability to not let things affect me deeply. And SO MUCH MORE.
Still, I tend to give the benefit of the doubt. I tend to give perhaps more chances to people than they really deserve. I tend to think that people have my best interests at heart. So, even though I have a line that, when crossed, means I have been pushed too far, I take a lot before this happens. Usually.
And so, as I was suffering through the indignation, the hurt and the stress and pressure of a narcissistic sociopath in my life, I reached out to my brother and sister-in-law for support. They listened to me. They comforted me. And my beautiful, brilliant sister-in-law told me this, “You are not required to accept anyone’s bad gifts. No matter who they are.”
Nourishing food for thought.
What is a bad gift? It’s something that is being handed out to you that is hurting you. Stressing you. Pressuring you in an unhealthy way. Leaning on your heart. And sometimes it is gift wrapped to be represented as a gift. A good thing. How do you know it’s not? It hurts. It stresses. It demeans.
Even when you are not a special needs caregiver, you don’t need bad gifts in your life. But as a special needs caregiver? You, literally, can’t afford them. There is only so much YOU.
What do YOU want to focus on? Your amazing special needs child? Other positives in your life?
Or do you want to expend your energy trying to make sense of bad gifts? Trying to make sense of the toxic people that are delivering them? Here’s the thing. You can focus on ANYTHING you want but you can’t focus on EVERYTHING. There simply isn’t enough time. And you have a really big, important job to do.
So give yourself the big OK to give the bad gifts back. And, just maybe, get rid of (or greatly minimize contact with) the toxic person who is giving them to you. After accepting the bad gifts, the abusive behavior, for much too long, I separated myself. It was, and is, hard. But my son with special needs deserves a whole, happy, mentally healthy Mama. So does my typical daughter. My husband deserves a wife who stands up for herself and doesn’t allow the abuse to continue.
And you know what? I deserve it, too. And so do you.
Don’t forget to reach out for support from your people. You know the ones. It is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness, to access your resources.
Thanks for the advice, sister-in-love. It truly made a difference.
Want more? I have released a book! It is written especially for you to uplift you as a caregiver, soothe you, help you navigate and, most importantly, help you to be OK. Take a look!