Someone said, “That Is SO RETARDED.” And I Spoke Up.

I feel tired and sad. I want to take a nap, not that I need another reason. It’s a lot of pressure to do everything that we do as caregivers and also have to educate the world.

But if not us, who? Who will change the world for our children? Who will point out what can hurt them, words that are so ingrained in our society that people don’t even realize what they are saying?

So, what happened? A woman who I think is absolutely lovely, who was working hard at overcoming something that she personally feared, surrounded by strong women who were cheering her on, described her own fear of the situation thusly: “This is SO RETARDED.”

She meant that it was STUPID and SILLY that she felt what she was feeling. It was absolutely evident to me that her word choice was not meant to be a put down or a slight, in any way, of our amazing special needs community.

But it was.

What to do? I had to stop and really think about it in the moment. I took a step back from the group. Should I say something?

Of course I should. But…

-she didn’t really mean it as a put down.

-it was obvious to me that she had no idea that it was offensive.

-the space and place we were in was not a place where I wanted to talk about this, it was MY place to escape all this and do some self care.

-I was tired (but when am I not?).

-I had so much on my plate already, why do I HAVE TO BE THE ONE? (Because, if not me, who?)

I am very good at faking being extroverted but I am actually introverted with the addition of anxiety disorder. It is not easy for me to open this dialogue in the best of times. But, knowing this and having dealt with it before, I do have a sort of rehearsed, adaptable script.

I went for it.

I approached this amazing woman, who had no idea what was coming, and said, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

I gathered up my nerve. “When you were working just now, you said, ‘This is SO RETARDED.’ What did you mean by that?”

I could see on her face that the light bulb hadn’t gone on yet that this might be an issue. She replied, “It was just so silly and stupid that I have this FEAR.”

“So, you used the work ‘RETARDED’ to mean stupid?” Still no change in her expression.

“I guess so, yeah,” she replied.

I dove in. “I was wondering if you could do me a favor. I am a special needs mom.” Here, her expression changed. NOW she saw what was coming.

I continued. “I am trying to change the world, one person at a time, for my son. I would ask that you consider using another word instead of retarded. I would love for my son to grow up in a world where he didn’t have to hear that in every day conversation. I’m not even asking you to commit to this change, but I would greatly appreciate it if you would just consider it.”

She said, “I didn’t mean anything by it. I hope you are not mad about it.”

I said, “I know you didn’t mean anything by it. I am not mad at you, I am mad at the world. So I want to change this, change the world. For my son. Would you consider changing the word?”

She said, “I absolutely will.”

I thanked her.

By asking someone to CONSIDER a change instead of DEMANDING it and explaining the reason why, I feel like the conversation is more effective. Also, approaching the situation with a kind and open heart (which is hard when you feel slighted) makes a huge difference. But, it’s still hard. Especially when you are living the special needs life, are perpetually tired, not always feeling patient and not always feeling up to the task.

I felt like it went as well as it could. Especially since, she really wasn’t even aware of how what she said could be taken (which is not always the case, some people are COMPLETELY aware of what a put down it is).

My beautiful eight year old son has nine different special needs diagnoses, but being stupid isn’t one of them. He is brilliant and beautiful and amazing and even when I am tired, I will try to change the world for him and everyone like him. They deserve to live in a world where their very existence is not a put down but a celebration of what they ARE able to do.

In a world of about nine billion people, one down. We only have 8,999,999,999 to go. I could use a hand if you are feeling up to the task.

Want more? I have released a book! It is written especially for you to uplift you as a caregiver, soothe you, help you navigate and, most importantly, help you to be OK. Take a look!