I feel intimidated.
This is not a frequent occurrence for me. I tend to go for things. I make a decision, take the steps, walk the walk, make mistakes, fix the mistakes, do the thing. In fact, today I deadlifted with my trainer at the gym. I have been working up to this for months and it was my very first time. I am so proud of myself.
But somehow, I am sitting here, staring at a box across the room and I have to admit, I’m intimidated. Which is why, although I have had opportunity, I have yet to open the box.
If I open the box, the unknown path begins. I have to unpack the box, pull out the stuff, set up the thing, figure out how to operate it, practice and make mistakes, fix the mistakes and make the thing. Hmm… very similar to how I created this blog.
What am I committing to doing when I open the box? I am going to MAKE my son’s back-zipper pajamas. And I don’t know how to sew (except for the occasional hard-won button). And I haven’t a clue how to use a sewing machine. But a brand new sewing machine is sitting in the box.
WHY IN THE WORLD am I doing this? My son, Kai, who is seven years old and has special needs, needs pajamas that he can’t get into. To keep him out of his diaper. Which, when he gets access to it, can mean a horrific cleaning event at 3 AM. Or 3 PM. So we bought them. There are few companies that make them. The prices are high and the shipping ridiculous. The quality is sub par. But we finally found a company that made them well. And they lasted. Except now Kai has grown. So we need to get bigger ones. And, of course, that company no longer makes them.
I can have them shipped from England for about $60-$80 American. Plus shipping. I can buy them Made In America. I did. Sorry, but they suck. The arms are too slim, the body extra long. They are flimsy. That was only $32. Plus $8 shipping. For one pair. Like having a baby, there are often nights where one pair just isn’t going to cut it.
This ongoing fiasco is annoying and upsetting. We never know where or when we will find this item and it is ESSENTIAL. Don’t see how back-zip pajamas could be essential? I invite you to come care for Kai for 24 hours without them. But you have to clean up the mess. Deal? I didn’t think so.
After asking everyone under the sun if they could possibly make these, after asking for lessons from my former neighbor’s mom (who graciously tried hard to show me how to sew but I had a sub par, hand-me-down machine older than me that we found out later had a broken tension setting), after spending money for not much product with low quality, after cleaning up more messes, I am done. If I learn how to make them, I can make them for Kai for the rest of his life. Growth spurt? No problem! This is the vision.
I KNOW THAT I WILL CONQUER THIS. I AM LIVING THE SPECIAL NEEDS LIFE. IF I CAN MANAGE 24/7/365 CARING FOR A CHILD WITH 8 DIAGNOSES AND CAN WORK UP TO A DEADLIFT AND HAVE A MASTER’S DEGREE IN EDUCATION AND CAN MOVE FROM BEING A NATIVE NEW YORKER TO LIVING IN A MOBILE HOME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS IN EAST TEXAS, I CAN DO THIS.
Damn, that box is intimidating. It’s like it’s looking at me, going, what? You scared?
Yeah, I am.
The last time that I really attempted to sew was in Home Economics class where Mrs. Gagliardi had us make cat pillows. My thread got all bunched up. My cat pillow had large gaping holes. It was a disaster. I was 12. I am currently 46 years old.
I have been thinking lately about fear of the unknown. And how it pops up at the most interesting times. For some reason, I fear failing at this endeavor. Maybe because I feel like the stakes are high. Nothing else has worked. What if THIS doesn’t work? That’s a lot of pressure to put on myself. I mean, I know I’m not Suzy Homemaker, but, damnit, YouTube even has a tutorial that shows how to take MY EXACT SEWING MACHINE MODEL out of the box and set it up. It literally shows you where to plug in the cord. It ain’t rocket science.
Isn’t it funny what makes us suddenly pause? Freeze?
No matter the endeavor, the process is still the same. You set the goal, figure out the steps to get to achievement of the goal, START, take the steps, make mistakes, fix the mistakes, KEEP GOING and eventually you achieve the goal. I think that there are two steps that are the hardest. One is STARTING. The other is KEEP GOING.
I haven’t STARTED. Even though I know that setting up my new sewing machine, the one with the perfect tension setting, sitting across the room in the box, will be simple. After all, a female who looks about TWELVE YEARS OLD made the YouTube video and broke it down to the point that the steps would be too simple even for a dummies or idiot’s guide. Just FYI, I am a huge fan of guides for idiots and dummies.
I also am worried that I will make a mistake in the middle of the project and won’t be able to figure out how to fix it. I envision tons of bunched up thread, fabric crushed into a three dimensional shape and accidentally sewed that way. And then what? What will I do then?
Intellectually, I know that I’LL FIX IT. Somehow. Or start again. Or find another YouTube video. But, emotionally, I have fear.
Fearing the unknown, the new, the untrodden path, IS NORMAL. We all feel this way sometimes. About the strangest things. I am NOT afraid to admit that I have these feelings. I mean, don’t you have them sometimes? Didn’t you have fear of the unknown when you found out that the one you love most in the world was going to be different than you anticipated? And you had never been a caregiver before. But, you’re doing it, aren’t you?
Yeah. Me too.
So right now I am a dreamer. But THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOERS AND DREAMERS IS ACTION. So I have to force myself to START. And then to KEEP GOING.
One day (hopefully soon) I will look back on these feelings and laugh as my son runs around the house in his back-zip pajamas, smiling his sweet, amazing smile. Right now, I am staring down a box.
The box cannot be allowed to win. The box WILL NOT WIN. Hand me the remote. I need to look at the YouTube video again. And START.
Want more? I have released a book! It is written especially for you to uplift you as a caregiver, soothe you, help you navigate and, most importantly, help you to be OK. Take a look!