The man pays. The woman does the housework. He works. She cleans the house and takes care of the kids. He leads the family. She follows.
Sounds like a 1950’s television show, doesn’t it?
NO ONE lives like this anymore, right? You’d be surprised.
You know who seems to have a hard time with moving past these society-inflicted gender roles? Men.
Over and over, I find that men feel inadequate, feel “less of a man,” if they can’t afford to pay. Or, if they are a stay-at-home Dad. Or, maybe they DON’T feel inadequate, but others tease them about it. For not being “manly” enough. Men are having a hard time.
They are STRUGGLING.
Struggling with being who society has told them they should be, struggling with the assigned gender roles that they have been indoctrinated into from birth, struggling to live their special needs life fulfilling the role that their CHILD needs them to fill the most (whatever that is) while balancing all the rest.
Think about it.
What if your child’s needs indicate that the best situation for them is a stay-at-home Dad? What if Mom makes more money? What if Dad is better at juggling the responsibilities of the physical, therapy, educational, emotional needs of raising a child with special needs? How can we assimilate those needs into the stereotypical cultural expectations of men?
We can’t.
And so I encourage you, once again, to create your new normal. If you are living the special needs life you know exactly what I’m talking about. Let go of rules that you didn’t make that don’t serve you or your situation. The last vestiges of what it means to “be a man,” are waiting for your ceremonial bra-burning moment. Are you ready to light it on fire?
Burn, baby. Burn.
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Another wonderful blog, thank you!
When my son was seven he went to live with his father. We were divorced, my son was getting too big for me and I was going down mentally and physically. The details are too long for this post but my relationship with Nick’s dad was acrimonious and the decision was made. I nearly died of grief. I also felt such shame. The shame became a constant companion to the chronic grief and exhaustion I was feeling. How could a mother do that? How could she “give up” her son, especially a special needs son?
When I see a stay home dad situation, or any other atypical family situation, I like to believe that that family was creative enough to think outside the box and make the most logical and best choice of family member to task. Corporations do it all the time — what’s wrong with us is we structure accordingly as well!
It was awful not having Nick not live with me but hindsight is a beautiful thing and it was the best choice for us all.
Thank you so much for sharing this! When you ask, ‘how could a mother do that?’ I can only think how strong you are and how much love it took to do what you did – the best thing for Nick. I can’t imagine the depth of pain this caused you but you did the ultimate as a mother, whatever sacrifice it took. Much love…