As a former teacher one of the things that I have heard over and over again is how intimidating it can be for parents to meet with teachers and school staff. I have also heard that these same parents can find doctor’s visits, therapy visits and pretty much any visit with knowledgeable professionals intimidating. It is even more true for parents whose first language is not English, as I heard many times when I taught Adult ESL classes. But, it seems, ALL parents have trepidations, fears, when it comes to these meetings.
You worry that you are not smart enough. You worry that you are not educated enough. You worry that you aren’t going to agree with what the ARD committee wants to do for your child’s IEP (Individualized Education Program). And you go into the room where the meeting is to be held and a whole bunch of “professionals” with official looking name badges on look up at YOU. And you worry that whatever it is that they are expecting, you won’t be able to meet their expectations.
These people will hand you a booklet with pages and pages of your “rights.” They will ask you to sign a paper that says that they gave them to you but they will spend little to no time explaining what your rights are. And then they will launch into a discussion of your child. And they will use educational jargon, endless acronyms and their format of discussion to get the job done and process what they need to legally so that your child’s IEP is updated to the standards that are required by law. Confused? Intimidated? Completely lost? You are not alone.
Having sat on both sides of the IEP table, as a parent and as a teacher, I want to share with you some valuable information that will get you through.
You WANT your ARD team to be well-informed, smart intellectuals – people who not only know the ins and outs of the laws and what services are available but how best to apply them to your child’s specific needs. Where it can begin to get intimidating is when these intellectual people forget their place in your world – which is to be a rich resource for you and your child. In a way that you can understand. So that you can apply the information that they give you.
If you feel that a team member is looking down upon you for being less knowledgeable or less educated, the problem is not you, it is THEM. It is THEIR JOB to make you feel comfortable, to translate educational jargon and acronyms and to ensure that you understand everything and are in agreement. If they are not giving you credit for your superior knowledge as the expert on your child, if they are making you feel dumb for asking questions or asking for clarification, they have moved from intellectual to INTELLECTUAL BULLY. And you have the right to put them in their place.
Please note that this right will not show up on your list of rights in the packet that you signed off that you received. It is your right nonetheless.
But before you put them in their place, please take the time to examine what you think their motivation is. I have sat in on HUNDREDS of ARDS. And rarely is there an intellectual in the group that is making you feel less than on purpose. I am not saying they don’t exist. I have met a couple. But most of the time, these folks really want what is best for your child. They just forget sometimes that parents don’t always understand the technical terms, the jargon, the acronyms.
So, please, please, please don’t hesitate to ask when you don’t understand something.
I have a Master’s Degree in education, 15 years of general education teaching experience, am certified in general education, special education and ESL and am what is called a highly qualified teacher. Ya’ll, sometimes I have no clue what they’re talking about.
If you think that it is a sign of weakness to ask for a definition, a clarification or to just straight up tell them that you have no idea what they are talking about, you are wrong. IT IS A SIGN OF STRENGTH TO ASK QUESTIONS TO GAIN UNDERSTANDING. IT IS ALSO A SIGN OF INTELLECTUAL INTELLIGENCE. I mean, come on! How are you ever gonna know unless you ask? This is not a moment where you should “fake it ’til you make it.” Your child’s future is at stake. Make sure that they take the time to explain themselves in a way that you can understand.
Recently, I was sitting at an ARD as a parent, discussing my son. Some of the team was present in the room, and, because I live out in the country, some were on speaker phone at another location. One of the “experts,” was trying to explain something to me about occupational therapy and my son. She used a term that I had never heard before. I asked for a definition. She said that it was exactly the same as another term that I did understand, a synonym. That didn’t sound right to me. I jotted down the word and made a face and showed it to another expert in the room I was sitting in. She Googled the term and turned her computer screen to face me. The “expert” was wrong about the definition of the term.
See, even “intellectuals” are not infallible. They, too, make mistakes.
Ask. Ask, ask, ask.
Going to the doctor? Doctors have a broad base knowledge of medicine, illnesses and disorders. But I’m telling you now, however much they know, they have no idea how your child’s diagnosis affects them as an individual. You know who knows this information? YOU. YOU are the expert in this. And, sometimes, your child may even have a diagnosis that the doctor has never heard of. This happens to us all the time. Periventricular leukomalacia, amongst other things. Anyone know what this is? Anyone? Yeah, most of the doctors we meet don’t know either. That’s OK. They soon look it up and figure it out. But they don’t always understand what our son needs. So sometimes we have to switch doctors until we find one that does. You can do this too. Keep switching until you find that one jewel. Yes, it’s a pain to keep switching but the reward of finding someone who understands is priceless.
Same thing with therapists. They have broad knowledge and experience in their field but they have NO IDEA how your individual child is affected by their diagnoses. YOU DO. You are PARTNERS in this endeavor. Many, many therapists understand this. If you happen to get one that doesn’t or doesn’t want to take the time to explain to you what the heck they are talking about, guess what? Say goodbye. You have the right to ask for someone else. This may or may not be in the handouts that tell you your rights but I’m telling you, you do.
It is not my intention to devalue the intellectuals that you are accessing for assistance for your child, yourself and your family. In fact, quite the opposite. What would we do without these people, these angels who often make our lives easier? Most of them are amazing.
Just remember – don’t fear the angels. They are your partners, not your superiors.