You are living the special needs life. And you have finally come to a place where you are getting the hang of it. You know your child. You can mostly predict what they will or won’t do. The sharp learning curve has eased some. You are starting to remember who YOU were (at least a little bit) before the big event that changed your life forever.
It’s starting to feel OK.
You have your people. You have your community. You have aligned school, doctors, therapy, alternative choices, outings, special foods, bath and bedtime rituals, different clothes and more.
And then… there’s the holdout person.
There’s someone who you thought was totally going to have your back as a special needs caregiver. But, they just… don’t. They can’t wrap their brain around it. They don’t understand. They are not bonding with your child. They are a step, or two or ten away and they keep themselves there. They are still in your life but being with them is a chore. They want to question every choice you make. Or, maybe, they don’t value your child with special needs as they would a typical child. Maybe they favor your other, typical children (or other typical children in your family).
This hurts. Why don’t they get it? Why can’t they step up for your child?
There are some people that have such a narrow-minded view of what they are OK with that they simply can’t step outside their own box. They can’t see how different can be beautiful. Or how the clear cut path isn’t the only path.
Have you tried over and over and over to make the connections for them? Is it not working? Do you feel like you are banging your head against the wall? Does it feel like you are carrying a weight around with you all the time? I bet that feeling of weight is heavy on your soul.
Put it down.
I know that it doesn’t feel like a choice to do this when the weight sits so heavy on your heart, but it is. You do NOT have to choose to continue to carry this pain around with you.
The problem is not your child. The problem is not you. The problem is them.
They don’t get it. And they are missing out on the joy of sharing your experience. Of sharing all that your child is and all that your child will be. Because they can’t get past all they think that your child is not. And all that your child won’t be.
And, ultimately, that is so sad for them.
Put it down.
You don’t have to do this in an angry way. Just… separate yourself. Take some time away. Even if it is a close family member and you need to get another family member who is understanding to help you, you can do this. And be open to the idea that at some time in the future they will see and be ready. It could happen.
By leaving the door open for them if they are ever ready to return and see what there really is to see in your child, instead of what they imagined could have been there, you are not burning a bridge.
But you are practicing self care and self preservation. We have NO TIME for people who are not on board. We have NO TIME for people who don’t understand after we have made reasonable efforts to educate. WE ARE SPECIAL NEEDS CAREGIVERS. And whether these people were friends, neighbors or close family members before that event that changed it all, they now come in a distant second, third or tenth to the most important person in your world. Your child with special needs. They also need to come after YOU on your list. We, who we always put last, need to be second.
Because if we don’t take care of ourselves properly, our child with special needs doesn’t get our best care. And that is a hard lesson to learn.
Some people won’t understand right now. They may never understand. It’s OK. Let them go.