Sometimes we get into a pattern. Days flow in and out. One day kind of bleeds into the next. And then, something prompts you to look up out of your routine and you realize this – the best descriptor you have for your day is “ehh.”
What is “ehh?”
To me “ehh” is a monotone. It is a non-joyous state of being. Not necessarily a depressed or angered state, just neutral. Flat. An overcast day without the cool breeze. A still moment without the relaxation. A vision of things in shades of gray even though you know you are surrounded by color.
The state of “ehh” is an easy one to get into, whether or not you are living the special needs life. There is a complacency that comes into being when you have the job that doesn’t thrill you but pays the bills or the medical condition that isn’t necessarily life threatening but makes it harder for you to go about daily life.
And then there is the routine that you finally get into with your child with special needs. You know, after the wild rodeo that is discovery, diagnosis, plan and treatment or educational path. Or both. You dream about getting to a sense of eveness where you can begin to predict what your child will do in certain situations. Or where you can have an evening where you actually sit in your recliner and zone, surfing the internet without a million interruptions (boy, is that a big milestone!).
But sometimes, when we reach these levels at work, at home, caring for our children with special needs (or without), in marriage, we kind of… stay there.
And why not? It’s comfortable. It’s familiar. It’s easier.
Let me tell you why it’s ok to stay in this zone for a bit but not to unpack and live there. It’s because it puts you in a state of “ehh.”
So when someone asks you (or you ask yourself) for a few days in a row, “How was your day?” And your answer is “ehh,” the time has come to ask yourself how you can move beyond this to answer good, or, even better, great.
What’s the secret to moving up the ranks toward a joyful day, as a person and as a caregiver for those with special needs?
Planned (or spontaneous, if you can manage it) joyful moments.
Now, I know that some of you just shut down when you just read that you have to PLAN ONE MORE THING while living the special needs life but hear me out. Unlike planning for your child, school, therapy, medical procedures or how to survive a supermarket shopping trip with your kid, planning joyful moments can be a lot of fun. In fact, I would bet that at some point in your life you did this and were quite good at it. Back when you were a kid. Before the adults screwed it all up for you.
Do you remember when you were a kid and the only thought you had was what fun thing you were going to do next? Maybe you liked to ride your bike. Or you liked to color. Build with legos. Play games. You’d finish one thing and then say, what fun thing do I want to do next? And, although you probably didn’t use these words, you planned your joy.
When did you stop? Was it when adults started asking questions like, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” (Did you know what you wanted to be when you grew up? I still don’t!) And then you had to think long term and plan for hard work for a goal that was shadowy at best when you were 6. Or how about this one that so many people I know heard in their childhood? “You need to stop doing XYZ and start focusing on your future. XYZ may be fun but it doesn’t pay the bills.” And you stopped doing XYZ.
Then there are those of us that were raised by parents who suffered from a lack of joy. Maybe they were depressed, maybe they were having a hard time, maybe they suffered from anxiety. I certainly experienced that in my family, particularly with my mother, my best friend in the world. She suffered tremendously from depression. And so, it is very hard to figure out how to inject daily joyful moments when your first role models aren’t able to show you how.
But, eventually, we move on and we stop ourselves from purposely putting joy in our day with no help from anyone. We often don’t even notice. No one teaches us about work/life balance and they sure as heck don’t teach us about work/life/caregiver/joy balance. There’s no model. And we move, quietly and without fanfare, into the state of “ehh.” Our days are “ehh.” And we feel stuck in a rut.
Is it time to get out of the state of “ehh?” If that question speaks to you strongly, your answer may be a resounding YES (And if that question makes you feel even more exhausted, you may not be ready. This is perfectly fine. After the roller coaster you have probably been on as a caregiver, sometimes a state of “ehh” is a relief, isn’t it?).
But for those of you who feel ready to inject some joy, you can start right now. You don’t need to have money, much time (who has time as a caregiver?) or even new ideas. Simply reflect back on what you used to like to do when you were younger, before it all got so hard. Who were you then? What brought you joy? What did you enjoy?
Identify what makes you smile. Inject that in small amounts into your day. Work your way up to larger amounts.
In no particular order, things that bring me joy daily include writing, reading, painting, playing the piano, yoga, Tai Chi, Qi Gong, walking, pilates, hiking, drawing, dancing, traveling, playing with my children, hanging out with my husband, lots of LOUD music, crochet, crafting and meeting with friends. I also try to look at the sunrise and sunset almost every day, a ritual that takes only a couple of minutes but never fails to awe me. These things sometimes happen in very small amounts based on how much care my son with special needs requires that day (athough the older he gets, the easier things are getting). This list may sound absolutely terrible to you or incredibly wonderful. That’s because it is specific to me. What’s on your list? If you don’t have one, take a moment to reflect on what might be on it. Don’t worry if you get stuck when you first start the list. Mine evolved over a long period of time and is still evolving today.
But make a list. To refer to when you enter the state of “ehh.” Because, sometimes, in all of the stress of living the special needs life, we forget what makes us happy.
If you are getting lost in the quest for your special needs child to be found, you are not making a good trade. Take care of yourself. The more joy you feel, the more joy you spread, the more joy your child with special needs receives. It’s a win-win.
What kind of joy are you currently injecting into your life? Please share in the comments below.