If One More Person Says, “It’s The Little Things,” I Will Want To Punch Them. But I Promise That I’ll Be Good.

My son, Kai, who is seven years-old and has special needs, recently switched a word he has been using. Kai has been on the cusp of communication for the last two years after at least FIVE YEARS of speech therapy. We have a lock on the refrigerator after an “applesauce incident.” Before, he would either gesture to the refrigerator to show he wanted it “open,” or he would use the word, with a mangled presentation that was probably only clear to us. We, however, were overjoyed that he was communicating at all and so thrilled when he recently upgraded. Now he pulls you to the refrigerator and more often than not will say, “door.”

And when I share this story with people, someone will invariably say, “It’s the little things that make us happy, isn’t it?”

I smile and agree. But inside me, I feel frustrated.

How about this? My son is seven (seven!) and has been sitting on the potty at school daily doing nothing for YEARS. Therefore, considering that his older sister in nine, I have been CHANGING DIAPERS FOR NINE YEARS. The other day, he sat down on the potty and peed. On the floor. You would think our family had just won the lottery, we were so excited.

So I shared this story with others. And someone said, “Gosh, the littlest things make us so happy, don’t they?” Sure. I smiled. Are you sensing a pattern?

My son has discovered light switches. It took him seven years to find them. And now, he loves to turn them on and off. He has discovered cause and effect – if he flips the switch up, the light goes on! If he flips the switch down, the light goes off! Once he figured that out, he wanted to test every switch in the house repeatedly to see if it will happen every single time. Guess what? This is how kids explore science in the early stages! We laugh with joy as we live in a disco world where you never know if the lights will go out when we are brushing our teeth. My son is exhibiting a developmental milestone after having missed the cues for SEVEN YEARS that were right there, in every room! This is amazing!

Of course, I shared this story with others! We are so excited! Can you guess what someone said? Yup. “It’s the little things.”

I have a secret. When someone says that, there is a teeny, tiny piece of me that wants to punch them. Please don’t tell anyone.

I’m wrong. I know that they are showing support in their way. They mean it as an agreement that it is something to take joy from and celebrate.

But Kai’s achievements and the achievements of all folks with special needs are FAR from “little things.”

Want another example? Kai has had issues with eating for years. And when he was maybe two years old, we started a terrifying year of daily choking. He had graduated, finally, to pureed baby food after intense feeding therapy (yup, that’s a thing). And now, he was choking on it. EVERY SINGLE DAY. To the point that he needed intervention at every single meal. As in, if we didn’t help him get the food out of his throat he was going to suffocate and die.

My husband, who can do most anything, couldn’t bring himself to do the hook method (which was the procedure at the time). He was terrified that it wouldn’t be successful and that our son would die. So it fell to me. Oddly, I felt very calm and proficient at it. Even so, can you imagine the stress levels of two parents who daily, for an entire year, had to rescue their son from choking to death at least three times a day? And then, he finally moved on to not choking. On his third birthday, for the first time ever, LONG after other kids had their first taste, my son ate the first small piece of cake he had ever had in his life and HE DID NOT CHOKE. And let me tell you, ya’ll, I cried, I was so happy.

Cause, you know, it’s the LITTLE THINGS. (Of course someone said it. You knew that was coming, didn’t you?)

And, just for the record, it is not just folks with typical kids that say this to me. Special needs teachers and caregivers have said it, too. It BLOWS MY MIND. Also, for the record, my husband rightly pointed out that I use the phrase, “Little things make me happy,” all the time. But, when I say this, I am not referring to Kai.

For me, the little things that make me happy include but are not limited to:

• a freshly brewed cup of really good coffee
• a shower that has hot water all the way through to the end (a rare luxury when you have a big family)
• a really good book
• hearing something that makes me laugh
• enjoying the company of a friend that I really like

These are the simple things, the little things, the good things that make daily life a little sweeter.

When my son, who by the way, is our shining star, accomplishes something that took months to years in the making, with hours and hours of therapy and hard work and failures and restarts and therapist changes and appointments and practice, it is NOT A LITTLE THING.

It is a really, really big thing.

Is this an issue of semantics? Probably. But just like hearing nails on a blackboard (now, THERE’S an example that highlights my age), my reaction is instantaneous. I smile at the person while, inwardly, I wince.

I know that there are differences in communication and word choice. And when people with different styles come together, sometimes miscommunication occurs, so it is really, really important that people consider not just the words but the meaning behind it. What is the intention? These people are AGREEING with me. They really are.

I repeat this to myself, in my head, as I smile and nod in agreement in return.

I will not punch them. I will not punch them. I will not punch them.

Okay, okay. I’ll be good.

What phrases annoy the heck out of you in relation to your child with special needs? Please share in the comments below.