Post-Traumatic Growth When Living The Special Needs Life – It’s A Thing

I think that when I was younger I had a vision of me being who I was throughout the rest of my life. I mean, I knew that I would change over time but I never thought that there would be life events that broke who I was into before and after.

There have been several events that have done this. Getting married was a life event and certainly warrants a before and after but I didn’t feel that my personality changed drastically. What really changed me were three different specific events. One was the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease and subsequent suicide of my mother, after two years of caring for her. Another was my son being diagnosed with a myriad of special needs. And the third one was having a very sick husband. In fact, as I type this, I am sitting in a hospital cafeteria awaiting tests for my husband, to find out if he has had a major relapse. He has been doing so much better since last year, but some tests came back that were a cause for concern. So here we are at the hospital. Again.

Having had these three events come in a span of only a couple of years brought me to a dark, black and white, joyless place. I felt like I was never going to be happy again. How could I? I lost my mother, my best friend, to a vicious disease where by the end she didn’t even know who I was. My son was never going to be “normal,” (I had no idea of the joys of raising a son with special needs yet, it was quite the gift in disguise). And my husband almost died.

Bleak, indeed.

I stopped taking care of myself. My needs, wants, joys, desires, pleasures, were the last thing that I had time to focus on. It seemed selfish to think, “What about me?” So I didn’t. And that backfired in a big way.

Self care when you are a caregiver is counter intuitive. My intuition was to always put those I love who are struggling first. It made perfect sense to me. The ones who needed the most care, got it. And I, well, I wasn’t sick, I didn’t have a diagnosis that needed addressing, so I was last.

The problem with this was that there is only so much energy and effort one can give without replenishing the source. I didn’t know this, then, not really. I mean, I knew it intellectually. But I’m stubborn. So I was JUST FINE. Until I wasn’t.

I functioned on empty for a long time and it felt really bad.

After my mom died, after my son got into therapy, after my husband mostly recovered, after we moved to be closer to family for help when we needed it, I finally had time to take a breath. I didn’t like how I felt. I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. I didn’t laugh anymore. I seemed incapable of having fun. And I was stuck like this for a long time.

I am finally, this past twelve months, coming out of it. I invested some serious time into some serious self care. I began to walk daily, at first only fifteen minutes a day but now I have work up to 80 minutes most days. I forced myself to read jokes on the internet to make me smile. I started projects that I had long ago put down. I completely cut out alcohol (although I have next to no tolerance so we are talking about maybe 2 ounces a day but that is a lot for me). I tried to schedule things that brought me joy into my day. Added in a small amount of yoga every day. Started listening to music again. I didn’t do this all at the same time. It was gradual, a progression.

I have just met the new me. And I am liking who I’ve met.

I recently came across a concept called post-traumatic growth. When I started reading about it, it resonated with me immediately. It describes what happens when a terrible, harsh event occurs in your life that triggers growth afterwards for you. This is exactly what happened to me, although it took several years for the growth to occur.

I like myself so much better now than I did before. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I am not happy that any of these events occurred (this is even more complex with feelings about my son, whom I adore, just the way he is, but you get it, right?). But I am happy with how the changes have affected me in the end. And the changes couldn’t have happened without these events. So my growth is a positive thing that came out of a series of negative, difficult, emotionally draining events.

How weird is that?

Apparently, not so weird. Post-traumatic growth is more common than post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Take a look at this article to read more about that:

https://youwillbearwitness.com/2018/09/04/strategies-to-turn-trauma-into-strength/

I certainly am not suggesting that my trauma is anything close to what the army surgeon experienced when captured in battle, as described in the article above. But as my mother always said, just because the person next to you has two broken legs doesn’t mean your one broken leg doesn’t hurt. My experiences were traumatic, for me.

And, like this article states, it doesn’t mean that a traumatic event is a positive thing. It isn’t. But people are reporting in large numbers that they are experiencing growth after traumatic events. For me, a myriad of things have changed and instilled growth in me, including:

• I have redefined what it means to be successful, for myself.
• My level of patience for things that are important is soaring.
• My ability to let things go that really don’t matter has drastically improved.
• The experience of being forced to adapt to change has led to easier adaptation with other things.
• I have refocused on self care to go the distance with special emphasis on practices to increase my own longevity to be here for as long as possible for my son.
• I have faced the fear of great loss, which I thought I wouldn’t be able to live through, and have come out on the other side. I am sad, but stronger.
• I enjoy who I am more. I don’t feel the need to impress anyone or apologize for what I am, or what I’m not. I have seen what is important and this just isn’t.
• I have learned the hard way that self care is the only way to be able to be a caregiver. If I don’t take care of me first, I can’t take care of anyone else. It is like when you are on an airplane and they tell you to place your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else. You can’t help others if you have no oxygen. (This one is SO HARD for me!)

There’s more. But what is the most important takeaway is that I got through it and I CAME OUT ON THE OTHER SIDE. I came out better. I came out stronger. I genuinely like myself more.

If you have to go through something hellish, at least you can know that you will come out on the other side, most likely stronger and better. You may not feel like you will come out on the other side right now, but you will. I promise.

Have you experienced Post-Traumatic Growth? Please share in the comments below.