When you think of the concept of success, what pops into your mind? Is it making a lot of money? Having a powerful job? Having a thriving business?
We have a lot of preconceived notions of success. A lot of them are put into our minds very early in life. Our parents tell us that to be successful, we need to do well in school. Our culture says (or used to say, this is changing) that college is the only way to success. Marriage has been held in high esteem in the past for a successful life. More money is supposed to equal more success.
And when you have children? In our culture, having perfect, healthy children has always meant success.
So what happens when your child is perfect (to you) but “atypical” in this dynamic? What happens when your achievement, your child, is “less successful?”
Well, guilt sets in. The parent thinks of everything they could have done differently. They feel that maybe they have let down their families. Sadness follows quickly, as the parent realizes that whatever they envisioned as a “successful” parent has failed. It just ain’t gonna happen. And that is tough to swallow.
But if you look at the true definition of success, you will find that it is not only still possible, but your success story can be richer, deeper and more meaningful than you ever thought.
Here is a life truth. Success, by cultural definition, is not success by your definition. In other words, YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT SUCCESS MEANS TO YOU. And then, you get to craft your life to create the path to your success.
How does this apply to having a special needs child? In every way. No longer are you bound by the typical, scripted path society implies is there for a typical child. Your child is on their own schedule. They will unfold and blossom on their own time and in their own way. It will be wildly different than anything you ever imagined. And the little successes that lead to bigger successes will be celebrated for their richness, their hard won achievement.
The actual definition of success is the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. Although you can allow society to dictate what you are aiming for, here’s a news flash – you don’t have to.
What is your aim for your special needs child?
Think short term. Think long term. What do you want them to be able to do? To enjoy? What gifts do they have to give to the world? EVERY child has gifts to give. They may not be what you initially envisioned and you may have to think a little harder to figure out what they are, but I promise you, the gifts are there.
So far, we have realized that one of our six year old son’s gifts is that he spreads joy wherever he goes. His smile is infectious and somehow when he enters a room, people light up. He just makes people feel good. So when he grows up he could be a companion for the elderly. A greeter. A host. Will he look like a typical person doing this? Of course not. Will he need assistance to be able to share his gift? Probably. But just because he does it differently doesn’t make it any less valid. If he decides that his aim or purpose is to spread joy and he succeeds in making people happy, is that defined as success? According to the basic definition, absolutely.
Take some time to define success, on your terms. Help your special needs child to define success, on their terms. And then put in the work and watch in amazement as your success and your child’s success blossoms.
Living the special needs life can be a challenge to think outside the box. In fact, we can smash the box together. I never liked it anyway.