When I was in college way back in the nineties, I discovered a wonderful field of study that I later ended up majoring in. My major was Human Communications. Unlike regular Communications, which is the study of media, newspaper, television and internet, Human Communications is, simply, the study of how humans communicate. My classes included topics such as family communication, communication in the workplace, conversational patterns, learning communication from birth through family interaction and more.
I learned a very valuable lesson while studying this that has stuck with me throughout the years. And that is, it is the communicator’s job to get their point across. If you are the one trying to express something and the other person isn’t getting what you mean, YOU have the responsibility to change the way you communicate it until understanding is reached.
Conversational Power
Conversational Power is the ability to hold your partner’s attention to get your point across in an effective manner. You draw them in. You communicate what you want them to know in a way that they can understand. This very basic concept is a lot harder to execute than you would think. If you want to be able to get your point across, you need to consider the other person. What level of vocabulary do they possess? What is their education level on a topic? How much attention span do they have? What are their preferred word choices? What is their age (because, as you’ll see below, different words mean different things to different age groups)?
And this interesting fact – if you use a term that they find offensive, the likelihood that you are going to get your point across diminishes. The same holds true if they offend you. If they choose words that anger you, you are less likely to listen to the rest of what they have to say.
With the current political climate, there is a huge portion of the population that is working to be sensitive to everyone when talking about anything. The other part of the population is impatient with this, wanting people to be less sensitive, not wanting to change.
It is to your advantage to use vocabulary that is seen as socially acceptable in the special needs world.
I recently read an article where the author, who works in the special needs field, insists that the original meaning of retarded still holds. She defines “retarded,” as less advanced, in mental, physical or social development than is usual for one’s age. This certainly describes my son right now. If we were in the 1960’s, this would have been an acceptable description.
The problem arises when it is not taken into consideration that language morphs and changes over time. The word retarded has become a taunt, a put down. And so, even if the clinical meaning had a completely different connotation, as time has progressed, the word is understood in general society to mean something different. The writer of this article, a woman in her thirties, insists upon using the word currently, because to her, it describes students that have delays.
While I understand her position, as a communicator in our current climate, her use of this word diminishes her conversational power. Anyone she currently communicates with is living in a culture that frowns upon using this term. Using this word is currently perceived as a slur, a negative, a put down. Any value she could share conversationally therefore becomes negatively outshined by the offensive term. Intention in conversation is important. This woman has good intentions. But, unless you know her really well, well enough to know her stance on using the term, it is a huge conversational red flag. A distractor.
Language is not static; it changes over time
Language is fluid. Its use changes over time. In my lifetime, using the “N” word has gone from a horrible put down to a casual way of calling someone a friend. I am so shocked by the term, having grown up in the 70s-90s, that I can’t even type it here in its entirety, while the 20-somethings currently toss it around like it’s no big deal. Because to them, it isn’t. If you think about who your audience is and what has been and is acceptable in their lifetime when holding a conversation, you may choose different words to get your point across. I know that for myself, if someone referred to me as their “N,” I would be highly offended and the conversation would most likely go south in a hurry. Not so for my adult stepchildren in their twenties.
You may have already noticed that different generations have different cultural norms when it comes to words used to describe special needs folks. What words do you know, whether you would use them or not? I started a list of words that I could think of and the rest are listed as synonyms of the term “special needs,” when I looked this up online. Look at this list and as you read each word, try to examine the feeling the word illicits in you. How do you respond when you hear these words?
special, special needs, enabled, differently abled, angels, retarded, retard, disabled, handicapped, defective, impaired, afflicted, stupid, incapacitated, MHMR, slow, abnormal, intellectually disabled, disabled person, person with a disability, autistic
Some of these words may strike you as acceptable and right. Some of the other words may illicit in you a feeling of anger, disgust or annoyance. Again, they are, all of them, technically synonyms of the term “special needs.” But that doesn’t mean you should use some of them. Connotation is everything when choosing the right term for your conversation.
If you are the communicator and you need to get your point across to someone, do you think that using describing words that are generally known as offensive in our culture, even though you may not mean them that way, will help or hurt your cause? What those terms become are DISTRACTORS. Even if what you have to share is amazing, useful information, it will be immediately overshadowed by a term that the person you are trying to communicate with deems offensive, rude, insensitive.
Conversational Edge
To take this a step further, don’t just avoid words that may be perceived as offensive or upsetting. You can give yourself even more conversational power when you accept and utilize words that appeal to your conversational partner. This gives you what I like to call conversational edge. If it grates on your conversation partner’s nerves when they hear “special needs child,” instead of “child with special needs,” it is to your advantage to hear them out regarding why they feel that way. Then, use that term in your conversation. It allows your partner to feel heard and stokes your conversational edge. Because your partner has been listened to and their feelings are being honored with word choice that they prefer, you are much more likely to be heard.
Why is this important?
You will find yourself over time, as a special needs caregiver, in a variety of situations where emotions are running high. Having conversational power and conversational edge swings situations in your favor. Or, at the very least, makes it more likely that you will be heard in entirety. Think about IEP meetings. You may want a service that is not usually offered. While making your case, you don’t want people on the committee to shut down in the middle because you used a word like retarded. Think about family social situations. Or parent-teacher conferences. How can you apply this successfully? By being able to communicate clearly, using vocabulary that doesn’t offend, you can be more convincing to get people on board.
And, finally, for those holdouts. The ones who think that special needs folks are “less than.” Mediocre. They are almost certainly going to use words that rankle. Keep your conversational power. Correct them but don’t fall into the trap. If you can’t continue the conversation, if you get caught up in your anger, you will not be able to educate them. Your conversational power is gone. Instead, model for them the words that are respectful by using them in conversation. If they call you a “snowflake,” if they claim that you are too sensitive, think about how this makes you feel. Are you willing to listen to them or did you just shut down? Exactly. Use this conversation as a reinforcer for yourself about why word choice is so important. Ultimately, you can’t control what other people do or say. You can only control what you do or say. Keep your power. Keep your edge.
You are powerful. You are a voice for your child. Use your voice.