When caring for your special needs (or typical) child, often a power struggle can ensue. Children want and need to feel in control. This feeling grows as they get older. However, children also need boundaries that are set by their parents to feel safe. So what should you do when the struggle gets real?
As a parent, you can rate situations based on what is most important. It is not a choice for a child to do something where they can get hurt or hurt others. Those things are non-negotiable. You may find that you also have other situations that are non-negotiable for you. Keeping tight control on these things is important. But what about the things that aren’t so important?
Maybe you don’t feel as strongly about what your child is going to eat for dinner. Or what they are going to wear that day. These are places where you can present choices to your child that gives them a sense of being in control of their lives.
My son, Kai, who is special needs and mostly non-verbal, has his preferences. We have had a long road in relation to feeding. At the age of 6, we have worked up to 3rd stage baby food (a bit chunky but still a puree) for dinner and, also, canned pastas such as Spaghetti-Os, Mini Ravioli and similar products. Yes, I would like for him to eat healthier but we have made huge strides in this area over time and eventually, we will get there. Until then, these are his dinner choices. I absolutely could just pick one of these foods and serve it to him. But, since either choice is acceptable to me, I let him choose. If I were to ask him, “What would you like to eat for dinner?” he wouldn’t respond. But if I tell him it’s “eat time,” and we walk to the cabinet together, he opens the door himself. He can either choose from what’s there and hand it to me, or I can hold up two choices and he will push one away and pull the other one toward him. Then I say to him, “Kai, do you want chicken for dinner?” This is the chicken baby food puree. Kai will usually say, “Yeah.” And I serve it to him.
Why does this matter? It lessens the power struggles. It gives him a sense of control over his life.
There is a trick to this, though. I have seen people try to give choices and the biggest mistake that I see, over and over, is that parents will offer choices when they really want the child to pick a certain one. So if the child picks the other one, the parent will then try to talk them out of it.
For example: You don’t feel like making frozen pizza in the oven. You are exhausted and this takes up to 30 minutes. You really just want to microwave chicken nuggets (some people find microwaved chicken nuggets gross but some kids will only eat them prepared this way). But you know that you should give your child choices to make them feel independent. So you offer them a choice for dinner – pizza or chicken nuggets? You are hoping and praying that they pick the chicken. Your child picks the pizza. Now you are stuck doing the thing that you didn’t want to do. So you try to talk them out of it. You say things like, “You don’t REALLY want the pizza, do you? You LOVE chicken nuggets!” A power struggle then ensues, the very thing you were working on avoiding. Because it wasn’t a REAL choice to pick pizza.
What’s the trick to avoiding the choice power struggle? ONLY OFFER CHOICES THAT YOU ARE OK WITH. If you aren’t making pizza tonight, don’t offer it as a pretend choice in the hopes that your child will choose the other one. This is a very common mistake. When offering choices (and there can, of course, be more than two) pick only choices that are all OK with you.
When you offer choices that are all OK with you, it’s a win-win for you and your child. You are really the one controlling what is happening, your child feels like they have some power and control in their lives and the struggles ease.
Try this! You can give choices in activities, clothing, seat choice, read-aloud books, toys, games, shower or bath, exercise, outdoor activities and more. Do you have several therapy activities to work on at home? Try to incorporate choices here too. It probably doesn’t matter which puzzle you do for fine motor practice if the puzzle style is similar (but if you need the pegs for grasping, offer choices that all have pegs). So let your child choose between the Mickey Mouse or the PJ Masks puzzle. Just MAKE SURE THE CHOICES YOU GIVE ARE ALL OK WITH YOU – and don’t offer something if you don’t want to give it.
How do you give your special needs child a feeling of control?