In the hectic world of special needs caregiving, I often have a monologue running in my head of all of the things I “should” be doing. I should be doing more. I should be doing better. I should be doing that differently. I should have spoken up. I should purchase that developmental toy. I should make a list of things that I want to accomplish. I should make a list of things that I want my child to accomplish. I should be a stay at home parent. I should get a job so that we can have more money. I should start a home business to make money while being a stay at home parent.
I should clean even though I am exhausted. I should do laundry. I should buy more back-zip pajamas so that my son doesn’t get into his diaper to “play.” I should wash the pajamas we have. I should call the doctor. I should call the dentist. I should give my son a longer bath so that we can work on writing with bathtub crayons. I should read my kids more books. I should cook something that doesn’t use the microwave.
I should locate a sippy cup that doesn’t have the softer nipples that we keep having to replace by mail order because my son bites through them. I should buy one of each kind of cup and keep attempting even though I know my son will reject all of them (he already has) and the money will be wasted because even though he needs those reintroductions, let’s face it, right now it’s not happening.
I should let them have less screen time. I should nap less. I should nap more. I should attempt to make myself more presentable. I should shower. I should check their backpacks more. I should write another note to the physical therapist about my son’s toe walking and the connection between PVL and cerebral palsy.
I am “shoulding” on myself. It is a never ending thought process of everything that I should be doing and doing better. Every perceived deficit that I have is covered when I should on myself. And every way I imagine that I am failing my special needs son (I “should” call him my son with special needs… no wait, my special needs son… I “should” go back and reread that article).
It seems that no one is harder on me than me.
It is very difficult to get out of this pattern of “shoulding,” considering the fact that I “should” be getting stuff done. So I have come up with a couple of tactics that I “should” try to alleviate my “shoulding” on myself.
I “should” make a list of everything that I accomplish on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis. I “should” stop and look around and see if my family seems content. In fact, I just paused and looked up at my family and they are all happily content, right this second. I “should” think about if my special needs son (“son with special needs?” I really “should” reread that article) is making progress at all in any area whatsoever (he is). I “should” think about the fact that what I have right now is something that I desperately wanted 20 years ago and how blessed I am to have it. I “should” realize that even though it doesn’t look like I imagined that it would, it is AWESOME.
I should take a break from shoulding on myself. But I won’t. It is the cornerstone of special needs parenting.
So, instead, maybe I should be kinder to myself and remember all that I have accomplished.
Yeah, I should do that.
Do you should on yourself? How do you give yourself a break from it? Please share in the comments.
Oh yes I “should” all the time. I am definitely trying to do this less. Between family, kids, marriage, my buisness, my foundation I am working on, my nursing job (which I work overnight), PTA mom, driving to kids activities etc my “should” foolishness sometimes gets the best of me. I am working on not doing this, I haven’t figured it out yet.
Thank you so much for your comment! I don’t know that it’s really possible to completely stop. I am just trying to balance it out with kindness to myself and reminding myself of all that I accomplish without even taking notice. Just looking at your list, I’d say you have some serious super power going on!