It is said that raising a special needs child is hard on a marriage. The level of stress can be extremely high. The focus tends to be always on your child. But, with some planning, the process can actually strengthen your bond. Here are ten ideas to consider.
- Make an intervention plan according to your strengths or what you feel comfortable with.
When one of our children throws up (typical or atypical), my husband and I attack the situation from two different directions. There is no discussion at all at this point after so many years. I don’t like cleaning up the mess but I don’t mind cleaning up our child at all. My husband doesn’t like to clean up the child but doesn’t mind cleaning up the mess. When we discovered our preferences, we realized that together, we could conquer the problem quickly. What repeated situations are tripping you up as a couple? Discuss together what parts of the situation you feel competent handling and what parts you don’t. You may be able to break it down by taking turns, assigning different sections of the task or another solution that makes sense to you.
2. Have a safe word.
You know when you are JUST DONE? Maybe your child has been having a meltdown for an hour or two or ten. Maybe they are asking the same question over and over until you want to just explode. If it is getting intense and you need a break, instead of having to scream out to your partner in frustration (I just can’t handle one more second of what she’s doing!), have a safe word. Make it a word that makes no sense in the course of daily life like “banana split,” or perhaps say the date of your wedding anniversary. When you plan in advance between you that if you say this it is an alert to your partner that you… just… can’t… go… one… more… minute… your partner’s roll is to jump in and give you a break. You may want to set a predetermined time period. Or maybe not. The two of you can decide what will happen next. But decide this in advance – not in the middle of the stressful event.
3. Give each other respite.
It would be so nice to be able to spend alone time together. But if that is just not happening, TAKE TURNS. Caregiving can be exhausting. Plan in advance so that you both get the respite you need.
4. Listen to and validate each other’s grief. You may be grieving at different rates or intervals.
I know one couple where the wife is totally fine with her son’s special needs and has little to no issue about “who he could have been.” The husband, on the other hand, is struggling. He had visions of them throwing a ball around together, hunting and fishing together and doing all kinds of things that typical Dads and sons might do. It is very hard on him. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his son but his vision of what could have been is still very strong. Validating your partner’s feelings about this, acknowledging their grief, is extremely important. And this grief may come in cycles. Please remember, just because it doesn’t affect you the same way, doesn’t mean your partner’s grief isn’t valid. If it seems like the grief is deepening over time and affecting the parent/child relationship, seeking grief counseling could support not only this process but the health of your marriage.
5. Don’t forget to celebrate your marriage.
Every little accomplishment your special needs child makes is cause for celebration. You already know this and need no reminder. Don’t forget to celebrate your marriage as well. Your wedding anniversary, the anniversary of when you first met, monthly acknowledgments of special dates all should be remembered and noted. Special needs parents have a tendency to let these things fall by the wayside. Maybe you don’t have the time/energy/money/child care to go out to celebrate – that’s OK. Just saying that you remember and pausing for a moment together can be special.
6. List what is important for your child in terms of mandatory, very highly needed, moderately needed, like it but could live without it and could live without it.
Cut down your list. For everything. If you can do without certain appointments, let them go. Start saying no unless it is mandatory or very highly needed for your child. Free up some time here and there. Rotate therapies so that you aren’t going 5 days a week, if you can. Maybe 4 weeks on and then switch to something else for 4 weeks? Only if it works for your child. If you need time to breathe, take it. It will be OK. When you have absolutely nothing left within yourself, you have nothing to give. And that goes for you marriage AND your special needs child.
7. Talk about your needs, your wishes and your dreams. See if you can make some of them happen, together.
Especially at first diagnosis, special needs parents are so caught up in what their child needs that their own needs fall by the wayside. Often, parents never feel that they can come back to focusing on anything for themselves. They feel guilty. They feel like they are the last priority on a never ending list. But there is no point in living if you are unable to experience life. The way you do things may look vastly different than you thought things would look, but you can still do them. Discuss it. Think outside the box.
8. Reaffirm your love often.
My husband and I used to get remarried every Thursday. We are the only ones who would attend. One of us would conduct the ceremony, we would both say our I do’s and we would then kiss to seal the deal. Not your thing? Make your own rituals as a couple. It doesn’t have to involve money or going out. A couple of minutes is all it takes.
9. Know that marriage, like life, is cyclical.
There are going to be times when you are a well oiled machine. There are going to be other times when you wonder who the heck this person is. Some days you will realize that you may be on the same page but in two different books. Marriage is cyclical. You have upward cycles and downward cycles. Usually, if you are patient, it cycles around again.
10. Know that raising a special needs child, like marriage and life, is cyclical.
Sometimes you will feel like your team has it covered. Sometimes you will feel like it is getting out of control. This is all normal. It’s not always going to go perfectly. And that is OK.
Consistence and persistence beats resistance. The more you plan and function together as a team, the less stress you will have. Say hello to a stronger marriage!
What do you and your partner do to strengthen your marriage as you parent your special needs child? Please share in the comments below.
This is excellent and so critical. You asked what we do: just try to keep our heads above water and, “Just keep swimming.” We need to work on this.
Thank you for saying that! It is always a work in progress. Sometimes I just find us making the same mistakes over and over, so when that happens, I try to make a plan of action. It is exhausting otherwise. But the reminder to “just keep swimming,” is always an excellent one.