Merriam Webster defines the word BITCH in two important ways:
As a noun: often offensive – a malicious, spiteful or overbearing woman
and
As a verb: to complain of or about
I read an article about a woman who was worried about being perceived as a bitch when asking for services for her child. Here it is for you to check out. http://coloradomoms.com/specialneeds/how-to-advocate-for-your-child-without-being-a-bitch/
When I read the article, the first thing that gripped me about the title is, “Why would I fear being a bitch?” Why would advocating for my child and making sure that he gets what he needs and deserves give me a derogatory label? If a man were advocating, he would NEVER be called a bitch. So why is this a worry for women, and, apparently, special needs moms?
When dealing with schools, therapists, Early Childhood Intervention, and anyone else who provides services to your child, the more vocal you are as your child’s advocate, the greater the chance that your child will get the appropriate amount and level of services that they need. As a general education classroom teacher for fifteen years (general education and, now, special education certified) and as a teacher who sat in on loads of IEPS and ARDS, I have seen, repeatedly, that the advocate that keeps showing up, keeps being verbal and keeps pushing the boundaries, gets more and better quality services.
Case in point – my son was getting what they were calling “small group speech.” They had SEVEN kids in his special needs class around a table having a speech lesson a couple of times a week for 20-30 minutes. That is beyond a small group, even in general education. My son needs one-on-one interaction. He, like his classmates were at that time, is low functioning. If there are 6 other kids in the group, he may or may not be paying attention AT ALL to the lesson. He needs constant one-on-one interaction to focus on the task at hand. It’s not that he shouldn’t also attend these group lessons, but I wanted him to have BOTH.
Disclaimer – Most of the people I have come into contact with in IEP meetings are fabulous, want you to have what your child needs and do everything they can to make it happen. These are amazing folks! But the following is about someone who just didn’t want to get on board.
When I brought this up to the IEP committee, I got a negative response. The speech teacher didn’t want to do daily short lessons individually with my son. It didn’t “fit into her schedule.” She was “overwhelmed with students on her list, too many.” So they wouldn’t have time to do both small group and individualized speech with my son.
Now, if I had accepted this answer, that would have been it. However, because I know the law and my rights as a special needs parent, I pressed on.
Below is a list of who makes up the IEP (Individualized Education Program) Team, taken from this website, which clearly states the IDEA rules and regulations (and the link to it):
http://uscode.house.gov/view.xhtml?path=/prelim@title20/chapter33&edition=prelim
Individualized Education Program Team
The term “individualized education program team” or “IEP Team” means a group of individuals composed of—
(i) the parents of a child with a disability;
(ii) not less than 1 regular education teacher of such child (if the child is, or may be, participating in the regular education environment);
(iii) not less than 1 special education teacher, or where appropriate, not less than 1 special education provider of such child;
(iv) a representative of the local educational agency who—
(I) is qualified to provide, or supervise the provision of, specially designed instruction to meet the unique needs of children with disabilities;
(II) is knowledgeable about the general education curriculum; and
(III) is knowledgeable about the availability of resources of the local educational agency;
(v) an individual who can interpret the instructional implications of evaluation results, who may be a member of the team described in clauses (ii) through (vi);
(vi) at the discretion of the parent or the agency, other individuals who have knowledge or special expertise regarding the child, including related services personnel as appropriate; and
(vii) whenever appropriate, the child with a disability.
Note the number one slot – you. Without you, there is no meeting (unless you waive your right to be there). All of the other people are experts in something. YOU ARE, TOO. You are the expert on your child.
I have never, and I mean NEVER, observed any of the other experts on this list being called a bitch (assuming that they were female) when they pressed hard on what the student’s needs were. When advocating for a student, these educators are classified as, “doing their job to the best of their ability to make sure the student gets what they need.” Of course, there are some on the team that don’t want to go that extra mile. But that doesn’t happen on my watch. It shouldn’t on yours either.
Please read the laws. Because it is to your advantage to know that a speech pathologist cannot decline a request of individualized speech based on “not having time.” It is, in fact, illegal, according to IDEA. You better believe that not only did I tell her so, I gave her a copy of the law and everyone else at the table received a copy as well. You see, the school is required to hire extra people to fulfill these services if the therapist has too much on their plate. They know this. But they count on the fact that I don’t.
The room got very quiet. In fact, silent.
The speech pathologist replied that what I wanted was statistically shown not to be a better method for a special needs child taking speech. She showed me a textbook to back up her point.
I countered with the fact that not one, NOT ONE, of the children in the study that the textbook was based on was my son. That I am the expert on my child (as schools always tell you until you want something that they don’t want to give you).
Did I win? You bet. Check mate, my friend. My son got the extra services he needed and it helped him to progress.
If I was a man, I might be described as strong, forceful, determined, a force to be reckoned with, business-like, a good father, someone who cares about the needs of their special needs son.
I am a woman.
So, why, because I have a vagina, does this make me a BITCH?
This doesn’t make me a “malicious, spiteful, overbearing woman.” This doesn’t make me a person who just “complains.”
On some level, this makes me a superhero. For my son. It makes you a superhero for your child too. And there is absolutely no reason why we should apologize for that.