Imagine a shooting star. It is bright and stands out amongst the other stars in the sky. It dazzles. Imagine that you are watching it shoot across the sky, past all the other stars. Your eyes are drawn to it. It is thrilling. It is the most amazing, best one.
And then it is gone.
And what is left? The stars that are stationary. They are less bright, but still shining. They persist. And they are also beautiful. The shooting star is but a memory and the remaining stars shine.
Now imagine this. You are running a marathon. But you are running it as fast as you possibly can from the very first steps you take. You are in a full sprint. You have to go 26.2 miles as fast as you possibly can. How likely is it that you will complete the marathon, going full speed, without burning out?
The sprinter and the shooting star both have something in common. They are operating at full capacity. And, quickly, their time of excellence is over.
If you give 110% of yourself to ANYTHING, you will soon purge yourself of the very energy you need to conserve to continue. This description of high devotion sounds impressive and committed, doesn’t it? But because it is impossible to maintain due to limits in energy, time and resources, it can only be achieved for a brief period of time, if at all.
This is something that we, as special needs caregivers, cannot afford.
Additionally, while we want to do “our best” for our amazing angels, defining what our best is and measuring it against what other people appear to have in terms of energy and best effort is also a fruitless comparison. They are not you and you are not them.
So how do you set the pace when living the special needs life?
The first step is to set an amount of goals that are manageable for you and your child. For example, my son, who is six years old and special needs, has a lot of different things to work on. His hands are not strong(and he is highly unmotivated in this area). So he needs to work with puzzles. And playdough. And a peg board. And writing. And coloring. And lacing (which we haven’t even started). He needs to practice zipping, buttoning, cutting and any kind of manipulating of objects. But he also needs help with speech. And gross motor activities. And feeding (although we may just end up eating purees, AKA baby food, for a long, long time and that’s OK).
I’m sure that I am leaving things out but this is a good start on our list of things to work on. Imagine what would happen if I gave 110% all the time to ALL of this. Or even to six of these things. Having made this mistake in the past, I can tell you that the outcome isn’t pretty. You only have a certain amount of time in an hour, a day, a week, a lifetime. You can work on anything you want. But you can’t work on EVERYTHING, or even most things, at the same time, going full speed, 110%. And the more goals that you have to work on, the less effective this strategy will become.
This is also true as a caregiver and, as a human. In your own life, the thinner you spread yourself, then less energy you can put into each thing that you are working on. This is not to say that you can’t do many things at the same time and do them well. We are, after all, a society of multitaskers. But you can’t give 110% all the time to everything without the inevitable burnout.
After you have identified what goals you are going to work on and shortened the list to what is truly manageable and meaningful for right now, the second step is to set the pace. You want to shine like a star but not burn out like a shooting star. So what percentage of your time, energy and resources can you give, continuously, to your goals that you can sustain over time? That amount is different for everyone. Sometimes “good enough” is going to have to take the place of “perfect.”
A job that is an excellent example of this is teaching. When I was a teacher in the classroom, I really had to learn to set long and short term goals, pace myself and realize that the list of what needed to be accomplished gets ever longer, every single day. You could work 24 HOURS A DAY and NEVER accomplish it all. So I had to set the pace for myself so that things could get done, and, most importantly, I could have the energy to come back tomorrow. And since my most important goal was the excellence of my students, sometimes the bulletin boards that I had to decorate in the hallways had to be “good enough.” Cute, but not a masterpiece. I was not one of “those” teachers who could turn every art project into a masterpiece with ease. I’m so jealous of them (I mean, aren’t you?).
I realized that if I wanted to shine when teaching, I could work at 75-85% of what I felt was my capacity of time, energy and focus and still come back the next day. And, most importantly, I could do this CONSISTENTLY.
I cannot, however, do this with my son at home, as consistently. Sometimes I drop the ball. Sometimes we skip working on something that we “should” work on (do you “should” on yourself, too?). Because I am human. But, I try to work with him at about 70-80% of my capacity most of the time. If you haven’t noticed yet, these percentages are very unofficial. I do it by feel.
The third step is to check in with yourself daily. How are you feeling? Are you tired, stressed, overwhelmed? Did your child sleep through the night for the first time in weeks and you got some rest? Adjust your efforts to your goals that day accordingly.
The fourth step is to reevaluate your goals for your child over time. This is NOT a failure if something either isn’t working or isn’t going as quickly as you anticipated. It is smart to examine what is working and what is not. Maybe you need to come back to reading a book to your child when you are on the fourth day in a row of complete rebellion. Instead of ramping up your energy in this area, back off. Focus somewhere else. And come back to it at a later time. If you are functioning at 75-85% of your capacity, why waste it in an area that is not working right now?
The fifth step is to leave yourself room to WOW. You know how sometimes you want to pull out all of the stops on something and go at that full 110%? For yourself, for your child? If you leave yourself room in your energy level, time and resources, you CAN be a shooting star. You CAN sprint. Just not all of the time. Pull out that last bit of reserved energy, time and effort every now and then to really shine. Bake the eight layer cake that your child loves. Work on shoe tying relentlessly for a week (if your child doesn’t rebel). Make a deadline at your job and have the best bulletin board at the school where you teach (this is SO EXTRA, what’s my deal?).
The sixth and last step is to recharge. You can’t function at any level, long term, without taking breaks and taking proper care of yourself. If you, like so many other special needs caregivers, have dropped the ball in this area, that’s OK. But do yourself a favor and pick the ball up. NOW. Today. Self care, while a buzz word in our society, is an absolute must when living the special needs life. Take a break. Sit on your porch swing and have a cup of something steaming hot (or ice cold). And pat yourself on the back. You are doing it!
Just a quick reminder about self care. If you decide that you need to exercise to take care of yourself, remember that this is a LIFELONG practice. Don’t go 110% the first day! You won’t be able to walk and won’t want to come back tomorrow.
Living the special needs life (or any life) is a marathon. You are going the distance, not going for speed. You can do and have and be almost anything but you can’t do and have and be everything, all at the same time and do it well.
Do it well. For yourself. For your child.
What strategies have you used to pace your life in the past? Please share in the comments below.